Did you guys ever hear about horsehair worms? They’re parasites that live inside the bodies of insects such as crickets until they mature. They change the behavior of their host, eventually making it jump into water where it drowns and where the worms can squirm out and mate.

I’m still going to the libraries, just not as frequently and I’m being more selective on which ones I go to. I don’t want to make it easy for them, but what else am I going to do? I’m not going to be safer by hiding in a store or mall. I’d get kicked out if I stayed there too long anyway. I’m not going to be safer if I stay outside or squat in a basement either. Whatever I do, wherever I go, they’ll find me, so I might as well keep doing what I want.

 What I want.

What do I even want?  What can I even want? A normal life with a husband and kids later on? A career in the field of entomology? What’s the point of wanting something that won’t ever happen?

What about being afraid? Can I want to stop the fear and the panic? Is that even a possibility anymore?

Stitch says I shouldn’t worry about that stuff, and that I should just live in the present and keep going to the library. Stitch likes our trips to the library. It likes them because it knows it makes me happy and keeps me going. It says it wants me to keep going and it wants to help. It wants to protect me. That’s true I guess. It’s protected me before, right?

Except when it hasn’t