They came after me again

 

There were three of them, I think

 

Stitch begged for me to use it, but I wouldn’t.

I was so tired that I barely felt the knife

 

And then there was blackness

 

The next thing I remember was being half conscious and fed something

 

When I was able to fight myself awake, I realized that I was on a bed with someone’s arm supporting me and some kind of thick soup being fed to me. I started to struggle, but I was held down and a hand was over my mouth to stop me from screaming.

 

“Shut the fuck up you idiot. We’re trying to help”

 

They let me go once I calmed down. 

 

I looked back and forth between them.  Fell looked somehow leaner and angry, while Hart just looked disappointed. Both looked tired and had a couple more scars since the last time I saw them.

 

“Where am I? Why did you bring me here?”

 

“You’re in a fucking shitheap motel while we fix your dumbass up”

 

“I don’t want your help! I wanted to die!”

 

“Well too bad!” Hart snapped “We’re not going to just sit here and let you kill yourself”

 

“It’s my choice-“

 

“Not any fucking more it’s not” Fell said, cutting me off

 

I asked if I could at least go to the bathroom. Hart frowned and walked me over there, making sure to block my path to the room door. Once in the bathroom, I locked the door and tried to figure out what to do. The bathroom had a tiny window over the filthy bathtub and I was midway through squeezing myself out of it when a hand grabbed me and pulled me back in. Fell unlocked the door and tossed me back into the room. I was suddenly aware of my wounds as I landed, but I got back up just in time for her to force me to face her

 

“Fucking really?! Did you think that we wouldn’t guess that you were going to try that shit?”

 

I felt my face go red in humiliation “Let me go!”

 

“No. You’re going to fucking stay here and rest and eat more of that vegetable puree that Hart worked hard to make for your ungrateful ass until you get some fucking sense and your fucking strength back!”

 

“Ungrateful? For what? For you kidnapping me and forcing me to do what a dead woman wa-“

 

I was cut off by a slap across the face that and a promise that if I said one more thing about KnitWolf, she would cut my tongue out. I could still live without that after all.

 

I made one more attempt to fight my way out of the room, but that only got me tied up. At which point I tried yelling for help and swearing at them until they gagged me

 

“Yup.” Hart sneered at my insults before he taped my mouth shut “We’re the bad guys, remember?”

 

But in his eyes, I could see that he was hurt

 

As much as I hated it, I tried to have Stitch free me, but it refused.

 

I’ve been stuck here for a few days. I try not to sleep, but it always comes. I try to resist the food, but they force me to take it. They aren’t keeping me tied up anymore, but they are always watching me, sleeping in shifts in case I try to run again. Fell agreed to let me log in and write this, but she’s watching me over my shoulder to make sure I don’t try anything else.

 

I don’t know how long they’re going to keep me here. I don’t know what will happen if their boss shows up.

 

Stitch is laughing at me

 

I don’t know what to do.

He’s back

 

I knew... I knew it was going to happen sooner or later

 

I knew I wouldn’t be lucky enough for him to get bored and leave me alone

 

Why are you here? Whatdoyouwant from me??

 

I’m just a stupid, tired, hungry kid with no family. You and KnitWolf and Father Brien took that from me, what else do you want?

 

If you want to kill me just get it over with! I’m tired of this.

 

I’m tired and Stitchwontshutup either Even though it’s not going to get what it wants! I’ve stopped using it even to escape, because Idon’twantto and every time I do, I feel it try to push forward in mymind  I’ve come this far-I’ve taken the wounds. I won’t turn back now.

 

Don’t tell me it’s hopeless! I already know. I see it whenever I lookatyou.

 

I’msinking and I feel dead

 

Justletmebedead.

 

Please

How long has it been since I posted last? Days? Months? Years?
I can’t tell anymore. It’s April apparently, but that doesn’t feel right

Stitch didn’t believe me before. It thought I was bluffing when I said we’d starve together if it tried to kill.

I kept it under control for a while, forcing it to make do with my blood though that wasn’t good enough for you, you greedy parasite

The proxies came after us again. Stitch hated me for depriving it of “meals” by hurting them only as much as I had to to get away. Stitch hated me for using it to escape when I had to, but not to fight.

I hated using it to escape too. I hated giving it that power. I hate it.

The hunger didn’t stop growing. It kept getting worse until one night I woke up to see a man pinned to a wall in the alley I was sleeping in. He was screaming though there was no sound. The black tentacle around his neck was keeping him quiet while more were busy digging into his body. I felt Stitch’s joy as his bones broke.

I screamed and fought for control- finally forcing Stitch to drop him

Stitch tried to tell me that it was protecting me and that the man was trying to steal from me, but I didn’t care! It wasn’t worth that!

I haven’t slept since then. I can’t. I can’t trust that Stitch won’t try to kill someone else while I’m out.

I haven’t given it any more of my blood either and I’ve stopped eating too.

I won’t live like that. I told it we’d starve together, so that’s what we’re going to do

I’m so so tired and hungry, but I won’t

Stitch says it’s sorry about the man with the bat. It just wanted to help by showing me that I need to desensitize myself to killing to survive. It doesn’t understand why I don’t like feeling its joy.

 

Well I don’t care if you don’t get it, it’s not what I want! If you’re so worried about me then you should stop because I CAN’T LIVE LIKE THIS!

 

But, of course, this isn’t really about me is it? This is all about you and your stupid hunger!

 

I’ve given you my blood! I’ve given you SO MUCH of my blood! My arms are covered in cuts to feed you! All I wanted to do was keep from killing people! Was that too much to ask??

 

This all makes sense now that I think about it! No wonder you didn’t want me thinking about the future! You didn’t want me to be in a place where I wouldn’t be afraid, because then I wouldn’t panic and you wouldn’t get to take over and kill!

 

You’re just like everyone else, messing with my head just to get what you want!

 

I hate this and I’ve had enough!

 

I won’t let you kill anymore. Try it and I’ll make sure we starve together

Did you guys ever hear about horsehair worms? They’re parasites that live inside the bodies of insects such as crickets until they mature. They change the behavior of their host, eventually making it jump into water where it drowns and where the worms can squirm out and mate.

I’m still going to the libraries, just not as frequently and I’m being more selective on which ones I go to. I don’t want to make it easy for them, but what else am I going to do? I’m not going to be safer by hiding in a store or mall. I’d get kicked out if I stayed there too long anyway. I’m not going to be safer if I stay outside or squat in a basement either. Whatever I do, wherever I go, they’ll find me, so I might as well keep doing what I want.

 What I want.

What do I even want?  What can I even want? A normal life with a husband and kids later on? A career in the field of entomology? What’s the point of wanting something that won’t ever happen?

What about being afraid? Can I want to stop the fear and the panic? Is that even a possibility anymore?

Stitch says I shouldn’t worry about that stuff, and that I should just live in the present and keep going to the library. Stitch likes our trips to the library. It likes them because it knows it makes me happy and keeps me going. It says it wants me to keep going and it wants to help. It wants to protect me. That’s true I guess. It’s protected me before, right?

Except when it hasn’t

 

So much blood

Since the last time I posted, those people started attacking me instead of just following. The first time was when I was sleeping in the doorway of an old grocery store with Stitch wrapped around me as usual when it woke me up in time to see a man standing over me with a knife. Stitch launched me up at him before moving back into me, letting me knock him back and allowing me to start running. He was fast and caught up with me quick. He grabbed my shoulder but I had my knife ready. I spun around and cut his arm. He let me go and I kept running, I could have sent Stitch at him but I didn’t want to.  

I kept thinking about the man I killed outside that bar, and about Jane. 

Stitch dug into the ground and pulled me forward faster, out of his reach and away. The next time there were more. I was passing an alleyway when a woman who was walking towards me suddenly turned and shoved me into it, where two others were waiting. I dodged a punch but one of them tripped me and as soon as I fell, they started stomping and kicking me. Stitch wanted to kill them all. I saw their bodies breaking in my mind as Stitch tried to convince me it was what I wanted too. Instead, I had it push me up. They were a bit more ready for that this time and I was cut deep as I went. It helped me climb up to the roof. They didn’t try to follow. Stitch curled around me like a blanket again as I cried.  

I didn’t want to feel the way Stitch felt.

Of course more came. I had just left the library when a van pulled up with a door open. Before I could react, I felt something smash into my back, sending me in. I looked back to see a man with a bat following me into the van and shutting the door. The other people in the van started on me. I screamed as they held me down and cut me. I couldn’t run this time.

I killed them all.

Tentacles burst out of me and into them. Stitch made it feel so good to kill them. I felt the hunger ease while they bled.   

Then there was a crash and spinning as I was knocked around inside the van. The driver was gone. I guess he jumped or teleported out when I started killing them

I pulled myself out through one of the doors that had been broken open. Other cars were smashed. More people were hurt or worse. I ran. Some people called out to me. I was being chased out of concern or anger. It hurt so much but I kept running.

Innocent people have been hurt or killed because of me

Because I fought back

I know that to stay alive in this you have to fight and you have to be able to hurt others. I KNOW that but I guess I stupidly hoped that maybe once I was on my own,  I’d be able to just keep running

Happy New Year I guess

Guess I couldn’t stay away forever

Or maybe I just wanted some human company aside from the people who are following me.

I don’t know if they think I’m too stupid to notice them or if they just don’t care if I do or if they actually want me to. Either way, they haven’t done anything other than follow me so far. I’m hoping that they don’t decide to change that while I’m writing this. 

I’m going to guess that they’re proxies. At least I hope that they are. I never thought I’d say that but it’s true. I really don’t want to have to deal with other Fears or their servants and I think other runners are just as likely to try to kill me because of Stitch.

Speaking of proxies, I wonder what happened to daddy longlegs himself. I haven’t seen him since I left the cabin. It was probably a good decision to go rather than stay but I still miss Fell and Hart. 

At least I’m not completely alone. Stitch talks to me every now and then, when I need it. It wraps around me like a blanket whenever I need to sleep. It wanted to stay at the cabin, but despite that, it still keeps me warm and makes me feel a little better which makes the alleys, basements and bridges easier to take.  

I still need to feed the hunger, but I’ve been able to do that with my own blood. I guess that plan is working better now that there is no one around to stop me. Isn’t that right Father Brien? hehehe I hate you and I’m glad you’re dead you fucking bastard

Other than that, I’ve just been trying to live while trying to figure out what the next step is. I’ve been haunting the local libraries when I can; reading up on necessities as well as learning about things that interest me. Did you guys know that Japanese honeybees can kill invading hornets by letting them into the hive, surrounding them and producing enough heat to cook them? Did you know that there is a type of fungus called cordyceps that sends out spores that infect ants and makes them climb a plant and attach themselves? When they die, the fungus grows out of the body, releases the spores and the whole thing starts over again.

That’s all for now I guess. My coffee and sandwich are finished and the guy at the cash looks like he’s getting ready to kick me out. I don’t want to spend more money just to stay on here a bit longer. Assuming the people who are following me don’t decide to attack when I leave, maybe I’ll see if I can find an unprotected network or something